My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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