Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
