I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Randomize
