went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
