Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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