he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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