My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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