A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
