I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
