I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
