I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
