I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
