I think I won the penis lottery.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
