yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
