You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
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