What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
