i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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