My cat gives me a boner
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
