By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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