Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
