I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Im part way to drunk.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
