i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
