With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I am naked and annoyed.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
