I wanna bring you to show and tell
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
