I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
