his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
