I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
