I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
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