I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I love having hate sex.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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