Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
