I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
