Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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