I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
