worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Randomize
