I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
