life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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