i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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