Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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