I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
