i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
