I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
