I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
