I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
