I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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