you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
