pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
