Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
