Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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