I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
