Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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