So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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