Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
