I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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