she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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