toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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