Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
