Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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