Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i will never coherently bang her
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize