Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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