He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
