There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
