as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
