Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
