i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Randomize
