Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
