I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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